Make College Fun Again

I couldn’t tell you the number of times I woke up in college with this exact thought: “What happened last night?” I’d usually crawl out of bed around noon and instantly connect with friends or roommates to try and piece together the night before. We’d laugh about it over a Jimmy Johns sandwich or some unhealthy fast food. Those were some fun times and wild nights that still cross my mind on a frequent basis. College was an amazing 5 years for me. From the partying, to random hookups, to making life lasting friendships, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was a time to be a stupid kid, making immature decisions, and enjoy a responsibility free life. I knew after graduation I had to get a job, start paying off student loans, and become an adult. So I took advantage of every opportunity to party, act like a jackass, and waste late hours playing Bond on PlayStation.

Now let’s talk about today’s college students. They spend their days protesting, being angry, politically correct, and thinking they’re going to change the world. I feel sorry for these kids. They just don’t get it. College is supposed to be a time when you make bad decisions, drink too much, sleep with regrettable partners, and bond over cheap pitchers of beer. It might be the only time in your life when you have zero to very minimal responsibilities. Imagine spending that time marching on campus with a tiki torch or holding up signs because you’re offended by a right wing speaker. It’s just downright sad to be honest. These kids are completely wasting their college experience. It should be spent on late night drunken Taco Bell runs, not spent staying up all night to make signs protesting some dipshit podcast host.

I graduated from Saint Louis University in 2005. But things have changed so much that it feels like I graduated in 1965. In just 12 short years college campuses went from being a a place where young minds were trying to figure out their lives to a place where everyone became know-it-alls. College is supposed to be a time to meet new people with different view points from all over the world. But now it’s a place that doesn’t want opposing opinions or open dialogue. Sadly, it’s turned into a microcosm of America, where everyone has to pick a side and just label someone for having an opinion.

College kids need to just chill the fuck out. Relax. You guys have your entire lives to be offended, so just take a few years off. Instead of going to protest Ben Shapiro’s speech go to a local campus pub and have a few pitchers of beer. Instead of marching on campus all weekend go on a road trip and visit your high school friend at another college campus. Trust me the world’s problems aren’t going anywhere. They’ll be there waiting for you right after you graduate. Until then have a drink for me. Because I’m 35, sober, and my weekend highlight is pizza and a solo Netflix and Chill.